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Monday, March 14th, 2005

Time:4:19 pm.
God Damn.

I'm one lazy motherfucker.

I hate doing taxes. I have an accountant but I still have to crunch numbers and keep track of countless documents.. it's one big headache. Not to mention I owe 1800 bucks and I'll owe another 1800 in a month.

Anyway.. I sure love sex. Sean Penn once said "If you want entertainment.. you get a couple hookers and an eight ball." How true.

Any chicks wanna rent a room from me? 300 a month (free utilities), but you gotta do all the cooking and cleaning.
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Wednesday, March 9th, 2005

Subject:A Perfect Circle - 3 Libras
Time:4:36 pm.
Threw you the obvious
And you flew with it on your back
A name in your recollection
Down among a million, say:
Difficult not to feel a little bit
Disappointed, passed over.
When I've looked right through,
To see you naked but oblivious
and you don't see me

Well I threw you the obvious,
Just to see if there's more behind the
Eyes of a fallen angel,
Eyes of a tragedy.

Here I am expecting just a little bit
Too much from the wounded
But I see,
See through it all,
See through,
And see you.

Cause I threw you the obvious
To see what occurs behind the
Eyes of a fallen angel
Eyes of a tragedy

Oh Well, oh well..

Apparently nothing.
Apparently nothing at all.

You don't
You don't
You don't see me
You don't
You don't
You don't see me
You don't
You don't
You don't see me
You don't
You don't
You don't see me at all
Comments: Add Your Own.

Tuesday, February 8th, 2005

Subject:where to begin... fuck it no one reads this anyway
Time:11:18 pm.
Mood: without the gay ass smiley fac.
my eyes are starting to open and see things that have always been there yet i never noticed...

i've developed a more thug mentality from being associated in such environment.

got the design ready for the tat on my forearm and finally figured out what i'm putting on my back. for those who know me from way back will probably laugh at the one for my back but oh well. i'm putting dark halo on my back. expressing my duality.. you know.. the jungian thing sir. figure out what it means for yourself. for the forearm it's a badass design of my initials, it was actually a ditto my dad drew when he was bored.

my love life has been weird to say the least. could have hooked up with this chick from canton.. she was in to me totally but i just wasn't feeling it and i didn't want to lead her on in to something i wasn't feeling.. call me compassionite for other's feelings. met this 37 yr old MILF and her daughter... do coke with the both of them.. feel weird about it, but that feeling is quickly being ignored. trying to get my one friend away from the crackheads but she doesn't seem to want to.. stressing me out because dirt is going down and i feel very protective of her yet i can't do enough. went on a blind date with a girl.. everything went great.. i was a perfect gentleman (duality in effect) but she was yappin to me about bullshit boyfriend shit and then tries to hook me up with this other girl because she felt bad... threw that away, insulted me.

my lease is up the 28th, moving back with the parents for a couple months to stack some chips and then moving into a house.

quitting my job.. made 63k last year and don't have a penny to show for it.. wonder where it all went... no it didn't go to drugs.. mostly alcohol hahaha (i made a funny). i've found i can have more money if i make less.. odd how that works. i've got shit on the drawing board though, i can't ever see myself without a job.. i'm not like that.. and i don't see how people can NOT work.. so anyway i've been thinking a lot about the military for some reason.. hoping it will instill some kind of direction for me. and on the burners i've got starting my own window cleaning business.. from march-november i'll always have a job with sunshine (my old window cleaning boss's company) where i can use my truck and do routes on my own. or i'll probably get some sort of driving job (seeing as how you could put me anywhere in 5 counties and i'd know exactly where i was). i just don't see myself sitting at a desk.. i need outside work.. other possibilities joining an apprentice program for any kind of tradeskill.. my friend said he can get me in as an ironworker in west palm beach... the choices are endless of what i can do... i just don't know what i want to do.. and school for me isn't the answer.

well that was a lot of typing. peace
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Monday, September 20th, 2004

Time:4:50 am.
Mood:you tell me.
The surreality of my life and how my mind fades in and out of accepting the reality I'm given drives me insane. How can I ever understand when I understand differently every time. Sometimes I just feel it's better if I just stop trying to analyze how my mind works and go by one day at a time. It's hard to do that when.. it's just hard.

Ok I just snapped out of being cracked out. The funny thing is, I'm sober.

Every so often I take in everything I've learned over the past weeks, in about 5-10 minutes. It's not very efficient.. I just take notice of them and hope they sink in without thinking about it.

Even though I know better... sometimes I feel if I could just lose myself in some alcohol, coke, weed... anything... something knew maybe. Blind myself with a clouded and distorted view of the world around me. Having clarity or thinking you have clarity can be dangerous if you focus on the wrong things. I do that.

Time to take a drive, get some smokes, and drink what liquor I have here out on the balcony.
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Tuesday, August 31st, 2004

Subject:these are the best days of the worst year of my life. i'll take what you give if it's all i can get.
Time:1:16 am.
Mood: restless.
I tell ya... there's nothing like drugs to force you to reassess your current situation.

After the hardcore shroom experience.. and spending Sunday night/Monday morning all coked out of my mind, I'd like to redefine my life.. make it more grounded. I need to find the answer to a couple questions along the way.

Why can't I get up in the morning?
If I have less than 7 hours of sleep my mind refuses to allow me to wake. I'll set my alarm for 7am and I'll wake up at 8-9 on my own without ever being disturbed by my alarm.

Why can't I hold a relationship for more than 2 months?
... I go after the wrong girls... I guess.

Onto other issues.. I need to learn to manage my money a lot better.. I need to stop being so lazy.. and I definately need to live on my own... my personality doesn't lend itself to having roommate(s).

Despite the coke and shrooms, I did successfully quit smoking pot.. and I only smoke cigarettes when I'm drinking / doing drugs. I plan on discontinuing drugs, and drink more.

If only I can just get up earlier I'd be able to accomplish so much more. I've only got myself to blame for all the complications in my life, and I only have myself to look to for solutions to these problems and unsuccessful half-ambitions.

The real question is... how long will it take before I finally comprehend instead of see.

It definately doesn't help that I can't fall asleep right now.

Right.. so anyway. I've noticed I only have a couple moods. Mostly I'm restless. Other than that I'm tired. I can be nostalgic every now and then. Restless I feel 75% of the time.

My imagination creeps into my thoughts often, I've been feeling atmospheres that I've felt before like they are in the present. And just when I'm about to hold on to them reality kicks in and it feels crisp and dull at the same time.

I hope I understand how I need to live instead of floating until it's too late to change.
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Thursday, August 26th, 2004

Subject:i'm still reelin'
Time:11:36 pm.
Mood:cracked out.
Last night was the single most fucked up I've ever been... and I loved it.

To start things off... at about 3pm I had just smoked a joint with shroom dust... so after a pretty intense high and not really knowing what was going on other than chillin on the couch watching tv.. yet.. not even paying attention... I talked to my friends on the phone about doing the shrooms but I really didn't know I was talking to them. The fact the mind can be fucked up like this facinates me.

Myself and two of my friends each took an eighth of shrooms last night. Let me tell you.. I've tripped about 10 times now and with these.. the peak hit in half the time and lasted twice as long.. I was both pleased and surprised. Aside from the usual effects (and being twice as powerful) I was toatally disconnected from reality.. I couldn't for the life of me remember what reality felt like. Basically we were just sitting in darkness listening to music that aids tripping and then about 2 hours after taking them... in the middle of peaking... my roommate and other friend get home... flick the lights on.. and in no fault of there own.. weirded us all out. Change in atmosphere can be dramatic when tripping.. I feel anyway. So I went to my room.. my friends left and listened to music in a car and the next thing I know I'm unable to function physically properly... 10-20% of my motor skills... which of that I'm using to mumble to myself inchoerantly... my mind of course is working at 200% and I don't even want to get into what I was thinking about... I can tell you I started having memories that were so real... felt like I actually had experienced them... but were false.

What a mind fuck.

If anyone that ever reads this wants some good trip enhancing music here are my personal favorites.

Entire Albums:
Boards of Canada - Geogaddi
Plastikman - Artifakts (bc)
Happy2bHardcore - Volume 3 :P

Single Tracks:
Aphex Twin - Digeridoo
Photek - Relics (plaid mix)

And pretty much anything that you like can be enhanced by the drug itself.

But, keep in mind... you might hate these songs sober... to that.. I say.. it's just something you need to experience for yourself. ;)
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Tuesday, August 17th, 2004

Time:11:11 pm.
A lot has happened since March 5th 2004....

Where to begin...





Let's not and say we did.
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Subject:...
Time:11:04 pm.
Testing?
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Friday, March 5th, 2004

Time:1:27 am.
For some time now I've been wondering why I can't fall into place. Nothing makes sense to me.. and it's so frustrating that sometimes I can't breathe. I've been told countless times of how things will be.. could be.. and tend to be. None of that matters. My mind feels like it's going to explode, I can't comprehend life as it is. I know people have some of the same questions as me.. but I can't possibly fathom that anyone else could feel what I feel. Right now I feel the only people that would understand me are locked away in asylums. No one I talk to can relate to me.. they try to.. and sometimes they come close, but they never really make a connection. I'm sick of trying to make excuses for myself... this is how I am... I'm trying to turn around but my own personality can only hope to be contained.

As for my social interactions with people... how come I'm always wrong and everyone else is right... it disgusts me. I'm not calling myself a perfect human being.. and everyone has faults.. why the fuck are mine warrenting extreme reactions. Maybe if I stood up for myself people would have more respect for me. Right now the respect I have from some of my friends is laughable, and that hurts. It's so hard to look at the positives when the negatives are so daunting and heavy.

I don't want a new life. Even if I had all the money in the world I'd be just as unhappy as I am now.. why kid myself.

I hear drowning is one of the more painful ways to die.... that's how I feel and I just keep drowning... when will it stop.. why won't it stop.

I'm not trying to make myself out to be a victim of the world. I'm victim only to my own will and soul.. my own intangible cause of fatigue and despair. It is through myself that I will find answers to the confusion that prevents me from being stable. But, how am I supposed to see when I'm blind.

This pain I feel only blinds me more. My first reaction to any pain is shock.. then anger..then I ignore... how am I supposed to better myself when I keep getting hurt?

It hurts just writing this.. and it's making me angry.. just scratching the surface.. revealing to myself in whole what in pieces kills me everyday. I just want it to end.. I just want to stop drowning myself.
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Saturday, October 4th, 2003

Time:10:13 pm.
Wow! I'm so interesting! Last night I played video games and drank beer! OMG!!!!!! Tonight I'm probably going to do it all again!!!!!! OMG!!!!!!!!
...
...
...
...
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Monday, September 22nd, 2003

Time:5:12 am.
This game is so sick and disgusting to people without a sense of humour.... LOL HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG CHECK THE CHARACTERS PAGE?!@!?!: DDDDDDDD

Jesus Freakin' hahahahahah!!!!!!!!!!
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Thursday, September 18th, 2003

Subject:Anyone remember Marques Houston from Immature... or the House Party series of movies?
Time:9:22 pm.
My life goes so much better when I'm on track with my work. I've been done in 6 hours the past 3 days and it feels great (as opposed to the 10-12 hour days I was pulling making just the same amount of money).

I've never felt so restless though. I think it's just the parting stress from pre this week... I don't think it's going away though.
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Monday, September 15th, 2003

Subject:my game is so serious I could sell a hooker some pussy...
Time:5:44 pm.
I just realised I'm a boring person. Hahahhaha... fucking sweet!
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Time:12:23 am.
This song... I can relate to the most now.

Anyway not shit is going on in my life and it just makes for a shitty fucking existence.

Am I going to end up a loser?

I don't need to be thinking about this shit........
I need a fucking cigarette....



Life is so fucking complicated and confusing... how can you fucking people ignore it and just go on with your lives... it's fucking insane. All of us are doing completely nothing with our lives that means anything to anything... why exist?

Whoa! ok... enough out of me...
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Thursday, September 11th, 2003

Time:8:18 pm.



That is the sexist thing I've ever seen.

I found a house and I'm going to offer a land contract.

They started hustling on my truck.. but I'm still never buying another ford... if only because they don't have any cars that make me drool.

I plan on owning a corvette within the next 2 years. Model year 1997-2000... I will be in heaven.
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Wednesday, September 3rd, 2003

Time:10:56 pm.
Wow..

Played golf yesterday... got pretty hammered... and the funny thing was.. I got better the more I drank... honest!

I've also noticed I've gotten pretty fucking tan... except it's the most horrible farmers tan in the world.. the rest of my body is snow white. So I went and got a membership at this tanning place.. gonna work on the neglected parts.. such as legs and chest and back and uh everything that's not my arms/face lol.

I was curious so I weighed myself... approximately 8 months ago I weighed 150... I now weigh 170 and look thinner... go figure. I haven't REALLY attempted to bench yet.. but I remember about 8 months ago I could barely do 135 five reps and like 5 months ago I benched 160 five reps with about 8 beers in me. I assume at that rate I could bench around 200 now. Also I'm going to start running because I *had* started about a month ago and I was in pretty good shape (for the first time since high school).. so (even in the winter) I'm going to jog about 30 mins before work... it's going to be hard for me but I keep saying I have to regulate myself and I keep putting it off... so I have to start sometime and it will be Tuesday morning.

Asleep by 9pm... wake up at 4:30am.. jog 30 min's... get done with work by 2-3pm enjoy my day. That's just how shit's gonna have to go. Especially with winter coming and daylight ceasing to exist at 5pm.

------

And for those of you wondering about my Current Music... about 5 years ago I attempted to get into raving... however my fear of Ecstasy ( I read too much about it and there were a lot of things that could go wrong if you didn't follow a 20 step pre-dosage routine.. yet people survived without it anyway lol) and the fact I was too scared to disobey my parents... I couldn't get into it as deeply as I had wished.... If I could do it all over again however... I would have thrown myself into it completely... and 2 years earlier.

I still say to this day that Glowsticking is an ART. And I can still pull some moves :P
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Tuesday, September 2nd, 2003

Subject:I just want my truck back......
Time:6:58 am.
So here it was... thursday... I had an heavy but easy day ahead of me... as I'm pulling out of the shop (at roughly 8 mph) I hit a bump in the dirt road of a driveway in front of my office and *clunk*. The sound I had heard was the front passenger upper control arm separated from the CHASSIS(frame) and collapsing. I call up roadside assistence to take it back to the dealership to be fixed as soon as possible. I have an expert mechanic (one of the buildings adjacent to the office is an auto repair shop) look at it... he says he's never seen it happen before and that it must be a defect since the truck is so new. He says he can fix it no problem... but the truck is still under warrenty so I tell him no.

I arrive at my dealership in the middle of my run to see what the fuck is going on and when I can get my truck back (I'm using the spare truck). They tell me it's MAJOR DAMAGE and that it's going to cost me THOUSANDS of DOLLARS. I'm like.. WTF I'm not paying for this shit... I had my "boss" (who is also an expert mechanic talk with the service guy... they won't budge... they also claim the frame is BENT.. and it's in the body shop (?!) for repairs... It's a work truck for christ sake... shouldn't it be able to handle a bump?

Well I'm heading there about when they open... and I plan on raising hell. I refuse to pay for this shit... just reweld it and give it back it's still under warrenty!!!

I'm also pissed off that I had to rent a car... and to top it all off I ask for a stratus and the guy gives me a SUNFIRE because he thought I'd like it more it's... "sportier" :-\

----

For a split second ( I don't know why ) I just wished I had gone away to school... somewhere with a dorm... where I could smoke as much pot.. drink as much beer... do whatever I want as long as I got my studies done. I'm sure it's not as easy to accomplish as it sounds... but I bet I'd be enjoying my life.
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Monday, August 25th, 2003

Time:10:58 pm.
What am I looking for?

I haven't found it yet and it's really getting to me.... I feel my sanity being destroyed one small portion at a time.

I think... I feel trapped.

---

discomfort, endlessly has pulled itself upon me
distracting/reacting
against my will I stand beside my own reflection
it's haunting how I can't seem...

to find myself again
my walls are closing in
(without a sense of confidence and I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before
so insecure

crawling in my skin
these wounds they will not heal
fear is how I fall
confusing what is real

there's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
consuming/confusing what is real
this lack of self-control I fear is never ending
controlling/confusing what is real

---

I guess what makes everything worse is that I can't talk to anyone about the way I'm feeling because I know it just sounds like "whine, bitch, whine, complain, bitch" and no one can help me anyway... everyone has their own problems and it's all about how they deal with them. I just wish my problem had a way for me to label it... I'm not liking that I have this mysterious cloud that holds me back from completely enjoying... life.
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Monday, August 18th, 2003

Subject:Shrooms + Psychopath = Homocidal Maniac
Time:11:46 pm.
There's nothing wrong with taking shrooms... unless you're already fucked in the head.
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Monday, August 11th, 2003

Time:12:58 am.
I can't...

... I can't seem to remember what happened to me last november. I keep thinking my life was better.. but how could that be? Never...

I keep waiting to smell that air... I'm looking for it because that's why I care. It's when you step outside and say to yourself "I'm doing fine".

If things weren't so complicated.... and my thoughts didn't have to be so contemplated... I just don't know.



I feel sick.. both mentally and physically.

I can't explain what I want out of life because I truthfully don't know. And I hate being told what I want out of life because it's not what I want... maybe surface ideas.. but nothing deep. I do know something I want that life can't give me... a way out... I'm getting really fed up with life's bullshit.
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